Having a fight with an INTJ and how to survive it

INTJs are excellent at erasing you from the world when things escalate. INTJs don’t get mad. They disappear. If you happen to be one of the rare ones who actually are important to us, then we try to understand and be better persons.

Disclaimer: These are my thoughts and feelings, and may not apply to all INTJ women in the world.

Is there a bigger picture in fighting? When things escalate, INTJ tries to see how it will impact the future. They will immediately try to have a clear vision about how the argument will play out and then follow the predicted pattern. If they predict wrong, they will recalculate and try to offer a solution to make peace, but only if you have not had time to devalue and hurt our train of thought.

Predicting other peoples behaviour should be quite basic skills for INTJ personality but its not. We are not Jedi masters who can force others to think logically and our own personality is not always the most easiest to work with 😉 Trust me, I know. I am an INTJ and I trust my hubby’s opinion of not being the easiest person in the crowd.

Sense and logic are sharp weapons wielded in anger

I’ve heard how frustrating it is to fight with a person who uses sense and logic against you when you are emotional. It is like getting stabbed in the back several times while being on high with so much anger you feel like it is possible to explode from emotion. I wouldn’t know as that much feelings is too much for me to understand, but I know how it feels to be on the other side waiting for that explosion.

When in a fight, I try to listen. It is almost the only thing I can do, because everything I say, will only make things worse. I can be quite rude when trying to reason my logic to someone and those are the cases when things easily get out of hands. INTJ way of speaking is not the kindest one in the world and there are many ways to say things little bit nicer. Also our inner confidence can feed the fire even though we do not mean it to do so. Hence the listening, being silent gives possibility to observe the other person and hear their demands. In any circumstances do not interrupt!

No one wants to hear how absurd their demands are when they are in anger or full of frustration. So if you are an INTJ, just listen the other part if they are worth it. And yes, there are people who definitely are not worth it. Then just walk away and let them be. It is better to use time to those who really matter.

But why erase when everything can be fixed?

Sometimes bad things happen and the fight escalates to a full war. The only defense INTJ personality has beside logic is ignoring the world. If there is no reason in the fight, it is born only from hurtful feelings or things we can not understand even though we try, then the last option is erasing the problem. Sometimes, it means deleting that friendship or other connection.

I have never heard INTJ to do that easily without thinking. Letting people go is done after full discretion. Still it happens. I have let go from people who try to make me feel small or somehow wrong when I am only being myself. Often those things start from small fights and then I start to think about that relationship and decide it is time to move forward. There is no point on keeping people around you if there is nothing you can learn from them.

Should I give tips to win the argument with INTJ?

Yes I should, but after reading this, you might know it already: do not get emotional. Keep your wits with you and make sure you can explain everything logically. After that, I can promise, there is no argument anymore. INTJ is not a personality type who will argue or fight to get something out of it. They will defend, when feeling cornered or not listened, but they rarely start the fights 😉

⇢ If you are interested on getting familiar how other personalities argue, then check this out: https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2019/08/17/heres-your-arguing-style-based-on-your-personality-type/

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