Keeping friends is hard for INTJ

Being solitary and independent by nature it is a constant struggle to feel connected to other people and start conversations with strangers.

The younger version of me was not as secretive and solitary as I am now in my mid-life. Twenty years ago it was easier to find people to hang out and spend time with. Now, I am more aware of myself and tend to think before saying anything even remotely personal to anyone. I also have a feeling of being constantly monitored by others, which makes social gatherings a little bit awkward sometimes.

It is part of being an introvert but also part of just being the socially weird INTJ. I’ve heard that other INTJ personalities do not care about small talk either. It seems that we are not content to speak about what we watched on tv last night (I think most of us do not even watch it) or how do we like the weather today.

If they are thinking like I am then they think small talk is a total waste of time. I’d love to skip all the discussion of personal problems society demands, hence others tend to not feel connected to me if they can’t share intimate things from their lives.

These kinds of social niceties (chats and talks) tend to be important at the beginning of starting to create a meaningful connection to another person as a first step in the road to becoming friends.

Otherworldly expectations we put to others are the main problem

As an older INTJ, the expectations I put on other people’s behaviour is tremendous. I expect others to keep up my inner moral code and act by it by respecting others’ opinions if they have solid logic behind them. That is stupid to require as the other person can’t know what I think and value, and sometimes I can’t make myself care enough to explain why I couldn’t support their decisions. The lack of giving support is the point when old and new friendships start to die.

The expectations also demand I share my thoughts honestly and that can be the beginning of the end. It is difficult to give other people time to explain themselves if you are already shocked by the train of thought.

Also being honest is not an exception to being mean or rude to others as I know some INTJ persons think. Instead of hurting others with sharp comments, INTJ people should learn to question kindly and not so aggressively. I haven’t learned it, so I try to be silent. Though that is not working when you should feel nice in according to be accepted as a friend 😉

INTJ is not for everyone

Honestly, it is true. They are not. We are not. Most of the time INTJ does not even care if they have friends and when they do they expect those so-called friends to be perfect mind readers with moral codes from fantasy stories.

It is hard to find equals when most people don’t even know what they are going to do with their lives in the next 30 minutes. INTJ has a plan for every minute of their lives and it can be exhausting to get self-improvement tips from INTJ friends when all you want is to sit few minutes and breathe.

In friendship, INTJs are looking for an intellectual equal as much as anything else. These personalities crave mental stimulation, and they can become bored by anyone who can’t keep up with the workings of their minds.

If you have an INTJ friend, trust me that she/he has selected you after long consideration. I do not know any INTJ who would keep friends if they didn’t appreciate and value the other person. You must be a special kind of human being ❤️ as INTJ is more than happy to be alone than spend time with someone who is not important to them.

Disclaimer: These are my thoughts and feelings, and may not apply to all INTJ women in the world

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